zen motherhood

On one of my first visits to a dojo in Denton, Texas I watched my sensei fall (take ukemi). And I instantly thought "I want to fall like That". He fell like the leaves do here in Virginia. Kind of floating and circular and yet in complete control.  And quiet.  I mean like seriously - - ninja-quiet. For the record, sensei was/is not a small slight of a man. I think he is over 6ft and does that cross-fit crazy stuff so I'm sure he's not a feather.  I speculated that maybe it was the hakama. Adversely, I fall like a brick. I am almost a foot shorter, surely weigh much less and I sound like someone slapping a large wet towel against the mat. I am not ninja-quiet. Although I would still argue I am a ninja. I thought, and still believe, that someday I will fall like sensei and I have spent many sessions trying to learn to fall gracefully. Most recently my new sensei shared with me a technique that will ensure I can get up quickly after a fall. Again with

I recently got two tattoos. One of them reads Beginner's Mind in Japanese.  I picked the characters as a constant reminder when I practice Aikido to never let my ego get in the way.  The idea is to treat each training with a beginner's mind. I felt this was also a profound statement on my work and how I should try there as well to continually learn from others and never let my ego get in the way. The tattoo hurt enough that I was pretty sure I will never ever forget that it is there.  I then packed my bags and my kids and drove my profound self up to Canada. I was only in Canada for a few days. Well technically only one full day. I managed through a cold. I survived carrying a 30 lb/ 14 kilos blister footed 5 year old through half of an amusement park. (Luckily sister-in-law carried the other half) . And I was able to persevere through an 8.5 drive each way. It sounds very profound doesn't it? Well at least I thought so at the time. On my drive home though as I looked a

I feel like I am a strong woman. I feel pretty secure about my body.  I am not overweight,  I am not super ugly, I do not have any appearance issues. I believe I am fairly normal looking. However, I often feel fat, ugly, and self conscious about my body and when I Would feel this way, back in the day, I would find a way to cope either through jokes or avoidance or some nice baggy clothes. But after I had a little girl and have recently welcomed two more preteen girls in my home, I feel a societal obligation to be Uber secure in my skin. I need to exude confidence and exemplify that it is truly what is on the inside that counts. Most of the time I can do this. Aside from the few work pants that are a little snug I feel I have a pretty good girl power thing going on. However, today,  I tried on a bathing suit. For many I could just end the post here. Because if you are a mom who went through birth, you know that the change your body went through is quite unexplainable and if you have

So I am officially wingin' it as a parent. Gone are the days of my meticulously planning and understanding my child and her development. Gone are the days that I made cute sandwiches shaped like fishes. I am just flyin' by the seat of my pants, hoping my kid lands feet first. It is not how I planned it. Because I do seem to have a plan for everything despite the contradiction of living in the now. I Am a very progressive Zen Buddhist you know. But when my daughter was a baby I lived in luxury. 100% working from home, some would laugh at my 5am start time but it allowed me to end the day at 3pm and spend it watching her, and reading up on what was next in my little one's development. I had the time to peruse articles on the best organic peas she should be eating and potential college funds I could invest in. Today, I still wake up around 5am but it's to get showered and ready before my daughter gets up. Because it's unpredictable the mood she will be in when sh

If you didnt catch it, the title should be said in that loud obnoxious announcer voice used for wrestling or something, replacing road trip with rumble. So nothing like starting a post with a tangent but I have been meaning to post this since New Years! We did what most families avoid and that was to drive for 8 hours with three kids to see my parents. I remember trips to see my grandparents when I was a kid and although the memories themselves were not all amazing they created bonds that I never knew I had until I lost my grandparents in 2008 within two months of each other. I also wanted to show my step daughters just how crazy my mom can get with decorations. Seriously, department store employees should have to do their holiday decorator training through my mom's house. But a road trip is quite an undertaking. With two eleven year olds and a five year old it can be a trip from hell. Or so I thought. So I plan. As any decent obsessive compulsive-project manager in a previous