Girl Power

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I feel like I am a strong woman. I feel pretty secure about my body.  I am not overweight,  I am not super ugly, I do not have any appearance issues. I believe I am fairly normal looking.
However, I often feel fat, ugly, and self conscious about my body and when I Would feel this way, back in the day, I would find a way to cope either through jokes or avoidance or some nice baggy clothes. But after I had a little girl and have recently welcomed two more preteen girls in my home, I feel a societal obligation to be Uber secure in my skin. I need to exude confidence and exemplify that it is truly what is on the inside that counts. Most of the time I can do this. Aside from the few work pants that are a little snug I feel I have a pretty good girl power thing going on.

However, today,  I tried on a bathing suit.

For many I could just end the post here. Because if you are a mom who went through birth, you know that the change your body went through is quite unexplainable and if you have gotten your body to bounce back through hard work, and no surgery then you have more girl power in you then I will ever have. I Want to accept myself as is because quite frankly, there's nothing wrong with me. But I can't shake it. So I have noticed lately a lovely but slightly annoying bi-product of meditating is I am more introspective and I start to wonder Why do I let my ego get the better of me and Why do I care when clearly I am a rockstar in my own right? What has to happen for me to feel good about myself??
Meditating quite frankly seems to be  making it worse. The more I sit, the more I focus on the psychology of it. I feel like my own therapist 'what happened in your childhood that makes you feel this way" Also, why are women so obsessed about this? Men embrace their large bellies. They dont hide in shame but exploit it with Kiss the Chef aprons and perfect their belly flop technique. I want to do that.
I don't want my kids to grow up with image issues. I want them to focus on what's important in life, others around you and their minds. Looks will fade but if you can sudoku that brain, you could be ballroom dancing at 82 like my obaachan.

But then there is the bathing suit. That damn bathing suit. Might as well just wrap oneself in saran wrap and draw arrows with a red sharpie pointing to "Flabby", "tiny bust line", and a nice circle for the "stuff that shakes that should not" zone. Or just a sign with Ego Here.
It feels like a constant battle, the ego. I can see in the girls already the struggle with wanting to be what seems like normal and the large amount of insecurity that comes just OOTB.
It's not like SharePoint where I can just upgrade or my OS that I can get my husband to reimage as Linux if I get fed up with it. I am stuck with it. So I am trying to exercise my girl power and overcome this ego.
The whole thing makes me, well sad. I mean like cry out loud sad. My earlier joke about what happened when I was child that caused this, .. well puberty right? The onset of hormones that brought all this emotional drama.

But what I also am starting to see is that it is the same side that makes me wonderful. I am a compassionate person with a tough love methodology for all of my kids that ensures I will get my ego in check to put my girls first. Its the same side that sees beautiful people every day despite others perception that they are not. It is this same side that also knows that being a perfectionist in everything including my self image is damaging.

So to manage this I am focusing on just being healthy. I have inspirational friends who have motivated me to start running and the family is walking every night after dinner. My dad's recent heart surgery has also encouraged me to look at a more heart healthy diet. I am going to change my perception. It is time to start accepting myself. It's time to get the ego in check. Girl Power.

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