Mindfulness

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So the other day, I sat down on my bedroom floor and cried. And not just the weary boo-hoo but this full out sob that is hard to control that you do in random places like the closet floor, laundry room, grocery store. Okay I haven't done the last one- but people have. I had that all out break-down kind of cry.

So before you start thinking either "Oh my gosh, Angela what is happening, are you okay???" or "Oh my gosh, Angie- Suck It Up- Who has time to cry???" I can tell you that my sob-fest was triggered by two things.

One: a post by an author that I just adore, Karen Maezen Miller:

"I will never regret the things I didn't write, places I didn't go, goals I didn't set or dreams I didn't daydream. I regret the pain I cause every day by wishing I was someone else with something more living somewhere better."

Two: a post by my husband about several people who were hearing impaired getting to test a revolutionary device that allowed them to hear for the first time.

Reading Karen's post and then watching these adults, teens, kids, babies hear sounds for the first time- bringing them to tears- just made me buckle.

But not in the normal- omg my husband is posting stuff that makes me cry kind of thing- but the sit down on the floor, I am having a break down - maybe- kind of cry.

I always have a moment after I cry like that- a bit surreal, like "what just happened??", "was that me?" This time, however, I had an epiphany.

I have some stress currently in my life. Balancing my work and personal life is harder than normal. I have a huge project at work that I am very excited about but it is sucking the life out of my personal life.
So Karen's quote really rang true- that I am wishing for success and striving so hard for what I want to achieve that I cause pain to people around me, and to myself.

Then I watched this video- and in this same context- I couldn't help but feel, how true is it that most of us- who Can hear, who Can see, or Can feel- are moving so fast towards our goals that we are not. Only when tragedy or trauma strikes do we really hear, see, feel. These wonderful people in the video - who some had not heard a sound in years, heard for the first time and wept.

and that was what made me weep.
I have such a conflict with what I want to achieve and what I know is in the moment and almost realizing it for the first time- that I am stressed and worried but excited about where things are going.

I literally love my job. I feel I am valued, and am working with a technology that I find truly fascinating. (and no jokes about intranets, O365 and SharePoint- I am a bit of a geek in what gets me motivated thank you.) However, the price is high for what I find gives me value and I am having to sacrifice family life, personal life, and well- life- to make this happen.
I want to believe it is just for a season- but I want to remain mindful of the impact my choices are having and how - when this season passes- how I can optimize that time and ensure that During this season I don't lose a family or a husband.

I realized- why I cried really. I think the video, the quote- was a culmination of the stress I have been feeling and that I was finally hearing and understanding for the first time. The goals I strive for can cause pain. I need to remain mindful of this and ensure I am not growing blind to those around me.

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