Being Herself
Raising children is a complex thing. I find I am constantly readjusting my tactics. My most recent thing has been around providing my daughter the best environment to be herself. I started to have a theory that kids are a direct product of their parent rather than genuine little beings of their own.
You probably hear it a lot "Little Betsy is just like me, hates lizards". But how much of this is Little Betsy and how much of this is a bi-product of the parent? Would our children choose different paths of their own if given the non-judged freedom to do so?
One example: bugs. This isn't a life-changing example but hear me out. I hate them. I'm scared to death of the tiniest one and spiders especially freak me out. I literally let out a little scream if I am within touching distance. (which is around 7 ft or so)
My daughter however, loves them. From an early age she has shown a genuine interest in the outdoors and bug life. When she was a toddler I freaked out over some ants in the house- later on, outside we saw an ant and Naomi yells "Ant!! Eek!" and stomps on it.
I was shocked. It was just an ant, and we were outside. Why would she do that? But then it was obvious- she was copying me. Clearly I had demonstrated that ants were the Antichrist and needed to be destroyed.
I felt a little silly at that moment and I decided that going forward I would suppress my obvious dislike of the insectum family. (Despite the obvious fear that they are going to take over the world starting with Texas)
So my efforts were realized the other day when my daughter gingerly wanders into the room I am sewing in with something in her fingers. She tosses it in the trash (thank goodness) and says "It was a spider mama. It was dead, it's okay". Almost as if she knew I was on the verge of freaking out.
I felt slightly successful- and partially concerned that the spider now in my trash and clearly within 7 ft was not dead - but still successful. My fear had not projected on my daughter.
Another example: boyfriends. I want my daughter to make her partner choice at the right time in life. I don't believe it is 5. However, All around her in every freaking Disney story/movie/short clip there are Princesses and Princes getting together. All the while in the adult world same sex marriage has just passed in another state. New same sex couples are shopping for homes on HGTV. Even though I have chosen a man in my life this may not necessarily be the path for her so I want to set the stage now that any choice she makes is going to be supported. This one is harder though, because like I said Disney and all the kids movies of today are not saying that. The thought also crosses my mind, she's so young, I don't need to worry about that now.
But it all matters. Everything we say now lays the ground work for later. So we talk openly about two mommies and two daddies.
But again my efforts were realized the other day. When, at dinner, I asked how one of her friends at school was doing. Naomi said that they don't play together anymore because the friend now has a boyfriend. (Ok inside I'm thinking She's Five! Why would she have a boyfriend?? What?)
Outwardly, I am curious so I ask Naomi if she has a boyfriend. Naomi says "No mama.I have a girlfriend." She then names off two girls that are her best friends at school. That was it. Again, I felt success. I'm not actually 100% sure she understood the real meaning of any of the words in the way that adults do. But I liked that she didn't have this pre-disposed stigma that comes with society sometimes.
The last example: faith. This one is harder to help her with more because of the sheer volume of knowledge that is out there. Not to mention my lack of expertise. But thankfully we have an in-house semi-pro theologian for onsite questions. Many of us who have fallen into our faith just by heritage, I aim to expose Naomi to as many of them that I can and let her choose as she comes to that stage in her life. However-I do want to ensure I am instilling the basics that are common across most faiths : being compassionate, kind, loving, forgiving.
I say it's harder but it is also easier since Disney has not created any movies around this yet :-). We got a great book recently called Faith and it just has these amazing photos of various faiths and how they pray or worship. It's beautiful. Additionally her school educates a lot around different cultures which includes a high level overview of faith. So I have a little more working for me on this side.
It's exhausting being a parent. I am constantly thinking ahead and how can I do something now to make that later step in life easier or at least manageable. I realize I should be in the now and I struggle with that constantly. How do I live in the now but still plan for my child's college tuition.
So I start by letting my daughter show me the spider in her hand without freaking out. We steer clear of Disney :-). And tonight I will read my daughter a bed time story about Hanukkah and tomorrow night will be about Christmas. But most importantly- I just let Naomi be herself.
You probably hear it a lot "Little Betsy is just like me, hates lizards". But how much of this is Little Betsy and how much of this is a bi-product of the parent? Would our children choose different paths of their own if given the non-judged freedom to do so?
One example: bugs. This isn't a life-changing example but hear me out. I hate them. I'm scared to death of the tiniest one and spiders especially freak me out. I literally let out a little scream if I am within touching distance. (which is around 7 ft or so)
My daughter however, loves them. From an early age she has shown a genuine interest in the outdoors and bug life. When she was a toddler I freaked out over some ants in the house- later on, outside we saw an ant and Naomi yells "Ant!! Eek!" and stomps on it.
I was shocked. It was just an ant, and we were outside. Why would she do that? But then it was obvious- she was copying me. Clearly I had demonstrated that ants were the Antichrist and needed to be destroyed.
I felt a little silly at that moment and I decided that going forward I would suppress my obvious dislike of the insectum family. (Despite the obvious fear that they are going to take over the world starting with Texas)
So my efforts were realized the other day when my daughter gingerly wanders into the room I am sewing in with something in her fingers. She tosses it in the trash (thank goodness) and says "It was a spider mama. It was dead, it's okay". Almost as if she knew I was on the verge of freaking out.
I felt slightly successful- and partially concerned that the spider now in my trash and clearly within 7 ft was not dead - but still successful. My fear had not projected on my daughter.
Another example: boyfriends. I want my daughter to make her partner choice at the right time in life. I don't believe it is 5. However, All around her in every freaking Disney story/movie/short clip there are Princesses and Princes getting together. All the while in the adult world same sex marriage has just passed in another state. New same sex couples are shopping for homes on HGTV. Even though I have chosen a man in my life this may not necessarily be the path for her so I want to set the stage now that any choice she makes is going to be supported. This one is harder though, because like I said Disney and all the kids movies of today are not saying that. The thought also crosses my mind, she's so young, I don't need to worry about that now.
But it all matters. Everything we say now lays the ground work for later. So we talk openly about two mommies and two daddies.
But again my efforts were realized the other day. When, at dinner, I asked how one of her friends at school was doing. Naomi said that they don't play together anymore because the friend now has a boyfriend. (Ok inside I'm thinking She's Five! Why would she have a boyfriend?? What?)
Outwardly, I am curious so I ask Naomi if she has a boyfriend. Naomi says "No mama.I have a girlfriend." She then names off two girls that are her best friends at school. That was it. Again, I felt success. I'm not actually 100% sure she understood the real meaning of any of the words in the way that adults do. But I liked that she didn't have this pre-disposed stigma that comes with society sometimes.
The last example: faith. This one is harder to help her with more because of the sheer volume of knowledge that is out there. Not to mention my lack of expertise. But thankfully we have an in-house semi-pro theologian for onsite questions. Many of us who have fallen into our faith just by heritage, I aim to expose Naomi to as many of them that I can and let her choose as she comes to that stage in her life. However-I do want to ensure I am instilling the basics that are common across most faiths : being compassionate, kind, loving, forgiving.
I say it's harder but it is also easier since Disney has not created any movies around this yet :-). We got a great book recently called Faith and it just has these amazing photos of various faiths and how they pray or worship. It's beautiful. Additionally her school educates a lot around different cultures which includes a high level overview of faith. So I have a little more working for me on this side.
It's exhausting being a parent. I am constantly thinking ahead and how can I do something now to make that later step in life easier or at least manageable. I realize I should be in the now and I struggle with that constantly. How do I live in the now but still plan for my child's college tuition.
So I start by letting my daughter show me the spider in her hand without freaking out. We steer clear of Disney :-). And tonight I will read my daughter a bed time story about Hanukkah and tomorrow night will be about Christmas. But most importantly- I just let Naomi be herself.
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