Zen mom - Step Mom
I think mothering is pretty challenging. Every day I question something I have done and wonder 'was that the best?'
This feeling of inadequacy is pretty normal from what I have read, as well as the constant need to overcome it, but I have found this summer that this feeling is compounded as a step-mom.
Most of a woman's life is surrounded by images and messages surrounding the nuclear family of Man/Woman/Child. I have some issues with this but that's for another post and probably another blog all together, but to the point, I was conditioned around a certain idea of what a family is made of and the role I play in that.
Step-mom was not in that movie/book. It is unique. You are not mom, but you need to behave like one. You get none of the love, none of the respect, nor none of the benefits of a mom but you do have all the burden of worry, concern, and care. I call it a 'burden' not in a negative way but just as it is, it must be done.
I think everyone grows to love their step children in different ways and I have had the fortune of coming into their lives when they were very young. I have read 1000 books on this and the older they get, apparently the harder it gets.
I still struggle however, and recently I think I understand more why. I actually had a zen moment if you will. I love my step-daughters so much. However, the absence of not having been a part of them as babies, not having fed them and nurtured them there is an absence there that most people will not understand. When I have a fight with my daughter, we always come back to each other and hug and make up. She constantly is telling me she loves me, and I in return. Every mom will tell you that for every terrible moment as a mom there are 500 amazing ones.
So in short I miss being loved back. I miss that when I hurt their feelings and I apologize that we hug. I miss when they are defiant to me that they will come and say I Love You.
I do have some good times with my step-daughters and our relationship is still growing. But during this growth time I still have to dole out discipline, be the rule police, and ensure I am doing it in a way that is not in too much conflict with their mom, their dad and the world.
I know for some people all of this sounds pretty ridiculous. As a mom you should not Expect or Want anything. I can hear some of my power moms saying 'Being a mom is a selfless and under appreciated role, don't go crying about it- save your wish of love and recognition for Mother's Day'.
Ok that last one is probably just one crazy Japanese lady, aka my mom, but still the message still floats in my head making me feel guilty for even wanting some of this return to begin with.
I think the absence of consistent normal-ness makes it hard to foster any kind of relationship as well. We now only see the girls for 45 days during the summer and then for three different weeks during the school year. This makes it hard to continually build on something. I know that the responsibility is upon me to reach out and ensure our relationship continues to grow. But even that can be challenging. I have one step-daughter who loves to read and I can easily reach out through letters and email and chat. I have another that I'm pretty sure that I will need to get Minecraft account to really bond with.
So I will take it one day at a time and sit on it a bit more. A mother's love is endless and hopefully a step-mom's is timeless.
This feeling of inadequacy is pretty normal from what I have read, as well as the constant need to overcome it, but I have found this summer that this feeling is compounded as a step-mom.
Most of a woman's life is surrounded by images and messages surrounding the nuclear family of Man/Woman/Child. I have some issues with this but that's for another post and probably another blog all together, but to the point, I was conditioned around a certain idea of what a family is made of and the role I play in that.
Step-mom was not in that movie/book. It is unique. You are not mom, but you need to behave like one. You get none of the love, none of the respect, nor none of the benefits of a mom but you do have all the burden of worry, concern, and care. I call it a 'burden' not in a negative way but just as it is, it must be done.
I think everyone grows to love their step children in different ways and I have had the fortune of coming into their lives when they were very young. I have read 1000 books on this and the older they get, apparently the harder it gets.
I still struggle however, and recently I think I understand more why. I actually had a zen moment if you will. I love my step-daughters so much. However, the absence of not having been a part of them as babies, not having fed them and nurtured them there is an absence there that most people will not understand. When I have a fight with my daughter, we always come back to each other and hug and make up. She constantly is telling me she loves me, and I in return. Every mom will tell you that for every terrible moment as a mom there are 500 amazing ones.
So in short I miss being loved back. I miss that when I hurt their feelings and I apologize that we hug. I miss when they are defiant to me that they will come and say I Love You.
I do have some good times with my step-daughters and our relationship is still growing. But during this growth time I still have to dole out discipline, be the rule police, and ensure I am doing it in a way that is not in too much conflict with their mom, their dad and the world.
I know for some people all of this sounds pretty ridiculous. As a mom you should not Expect or Want anything. I can hear some of my power moms saying 'Being a mom is a selfless and under appreciated role, don't go crying about it- save your wish of love and recognition for Mother's Day'.
Ok that last one is probably just one crazy Japanese lady, aka my mom, but still the message still floats in my head making me feel guilty for even wanting some of this return to begin with.
I think the absence of consistent normal-ness makes it hard to foster any kind of relationship as well. We now only see the girls for 45 days during the summer and then for three different weeks during the school year. This makes it hard to continually build on something. I know that the responsibility is upon me to reach out and ensure our relationship continues to grow. But even that can be challenging. I have one step-daughter who loves to read and I can easily reach out through letters and email and chat. I have another that I'm pretty sure that I will need to get Minecraft account to really bond with.
So I will take it one day at a time and sit on it a bit more. A mother's love is endless and hopefully a step-mom's is timeless.
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