Just Breath
Since September of 2012 my daughter has talked about soccer. After staying with some good friends who have two boys that play soccer, Naomi constantly asked when she too would be going to soccer practice. Her cousin plays college soccer, her sisters play soccer at school so why wouldn't she too play soccer?Slacker mom took her time in finding a local league but in February we signed up for a beginner's soccer league just for Naomi's age group. She was thrilled. I was thrilled. We were all thrilled. I had these firm ideas about team sports were so good for kids her age and the hand eye coordination would really help her in future sports. So with two months to go I tucked away the confirmation email and marked the starting day on my calendar.
Any trip to our friends who have the boys who play soccer sparked up the conversation again and I would always be able to answer "well starting in April, you too will be playing" which inevitably got a 'yay!' response.
April has arrived and although not geared up yet, we decided to head to the optional Open House to get acquainted with the other families.
I had expectations of this day. Which is Zen mistake number one right? Expectations = Missed Expectations = Disappointment. But Zen is also about 'life is suffering' so what better way to suffer than to fall short of expectations that you already set yourself? But I digress.
So the day finally arrives. As Naomi quietly drew after a hearty athlete's breakfast of milk and chocolate chip waffles (don't judge...) I announce today - is - SOCCER!!! Naomi's response: "I don't want to go".
I am deadpan. I am hurt. But most of all the Tiger Mom inside is screaming "Are you freaking kidding me??!! 7 months of crying about soccer and now that we finally are here, you don't want to GO???!!!"
Credit to me, I did not say this out loud. I simply told her to get on her shoes because we are going to soccer.
Now I won't go into the details of the gory scenario that transpires for the next 7 minutes but if any of you have children who have resisted - well Anything- or even dogs who do not like to take baths, it is the same thing. Wrangling them to the door. Coaxing them into their shoes and jacket (if it's the dog- into the water). Then wrestling them into said shoes and jacket (dog constantly trying to escape during bath process) until you finally get out the door. Then the entire ride there she asks to go back home.
Not to mention I get lost. Why does the patience/tolerance level drop by a zillion when we get lost? Trying to navigate, making wrong turns and all the while my daughter continues to claim that she does not want to go to soccer that I have planned for 2 months.
When we get to the soccer field the kids are gathered in a circle to talk to the coach and he decides to divide them up so they can get some practice time! I am again excited thinking that the possibility to play a little soccer will surely get Naomi back in the mood. Then we realize that she doesn't have a ball. All the kids have a ball. (I mean seriously- we were the ONLY slacker parents in the group?) But we find an extra pink ball and get Naomi into the circle to try it out. She gets close to another girl decked out in pink soccer gear and after maneuvering the ball for a few seconds comes to me and says she is done. My disappointment earlier is nothing comparison to what I felt at that moment. I couldn't believe it, not only was she not excited but now she was Quitting. The Tiger Mom in me was exploding- 'we don't quit' , 'you need to finish what you started', 'none of the other kids are sitting', blah blah blah all in my head.
Instead I quietly sit with her. I don't tell her 'oh it's okay' because I don't feel that way and don't want to be fake to my own kid, however, I try to be quiet and just let her watch. Every once in awhile I ask her if she wants to try whatever move they are doing and she politely declines 'no fankyou'.
Sigh. I felt all my hopes for her lessons in sports and team spirit dashed away. She hates it and I have failed as a mom to get her to like it. It sounds extreme but it's how I felt.
I finally am able to get out of her that it's the ball that is the hold back for her- she claims. She wanted to bring Her ball and not use the coach's ball. (The coach's ball WAS pink though for the record) But I am unable to figure out why she won't even walk up to the group at the end.
It was freezing as well I might mention. She never complained about the cold though I would argue she was snuggled up next to me the whole time but never once did she complain about anything but just sat and watched. My Tiger Mom side felt this pain of disappointment when I sat with her at the field and on the drive home. I felt this innate need to measure up to the other kids/parents on the field and that my daughter was part of the group. I pondered if I baby my child too much that she won't jump right into a group like I feel she should.
When we arrived home and walked to the front door she said "That was fun".
My jaw dropped.
Inside the apartment she dragged out one of her toy balls and kicked it around, showing us her moves and asking when were we going to the store to get her shoes and shin 'things' (guards).
I also only then realized that this day was about her. Not about me and what I wanted her to get out of soccer. More importantly, she was able to walk away with something even though she didn't participate in the way I had hoped she would. I assumed she had gained nothing and like a blob of playdoh didn't absorb a single thing because she didn't play with the others.
I couldn't have been more wrong. I made the right move I think by not allowing Tiger Mom out when she decided to step off the field. But I should have followed through on that thought and just enjoyed watching the kids and pointing out things we could talk about later. My zen master husband did do that. He considered the day a success since she claimed she had fun. He also recounted with her the things they could work on with the soccer ball later and how next week maybe she can get on the field with the others. Of course I was thinking 'next week??!! is there going to be a next week?' I was trying to formulate how do I get her out of this or force her to participate every week?? But following my husband's lead I am trying to live in the now.
That is what I should have done from the very start- but I am learning that my personality seems to conflict with every ounce of Zen practice. I don't internally ponder things. I am not a quiet person. I do not live in the now as I am constantly planning the future. Good thing there isn't a Zen test huh? So instead I will restart my approach next week and enjoy just being outside with my daughter whether or not she is on the field.
Perhaps I should sit before we go.
Any trip to our friends who have the boys who play soccer sparked up the conversation again and I would always be able to answer "well starting in April, you too will be playing" which inevitably got a 'yay!' response.
April has arrived and although not geared up yet, we decided to head to the optional Open House to get acquainted with the other families.
I had expectations of this day. Which is Zen mistake number one right? Expectations = Missed Expectations = Disappointment. But Zen is also about 'life is suffering' so what better way to suffer than to fall short of expectations that you already set yourself? But I digress.
So the day finally arrives. As Naomi quietly drew after a hearty athlete's breakfast of milk and chocolate chip waffles (don't judge...) I announce today - is - SOCCER!!! Naomi's response: "I don't want to go".
I am deadpan. I am hurt. But most of all the Tiger Mom inside is screaming "Are you freaking kidding me??!! 7 months of crying about soccer and now that we finally are here, you don't want to GO???!!!"
Credit to me, I did not say this out loud. I simply told her to get on her shoes because we are going to soccer.
Now I won't go into the details of the gory scenario that transpires for the next 7 minutes but if any of you have children who have resisted - well Anything- or even dogs who do not like to take baths, it is the same thing. Wrangling them to the door. Coaxing them into their shoes and jacket (if it's the dog- into the water). Then wrestling them into said shoes and jacket (dog constantly trying to escape during bath process) until you finally get out the door. Then the entire ride there she asks to go back home.
Not to mention I get lost. Why does the patience/tolerance level drop by a zillion when we get lost? Trying to navigate, making wrong turns and all the while my daughter continues to claim that she does not want to go to soccer that I have planned for 2 months.
When we get to the soccer field the kids are gathered in a circle to talk to the coach and he decides to divide them up so they can get some practice time! I am again excited thinking that the possibility to play a little soccer will surely get Naomi back in the mood. Then we realize that she doesn't have a ball. All the kids have a ball. (I mean seriously- we were the ONLY slacker parents in the group?) But we find an extra pink ball and get Naomi into the circle to try it out. She gets close to another girl decked out in pink soccer gear and after maneuvering the ball for a few seconds comes to me and says she is done. My disappointment earlier is nothing comparison to what I felt at that moment. I couldn't believe it, not only was she not excited but now she was Quitting. The Tiger Mom in me was exploding- 'we don't quit' , 'you need to finish what you started', 'none of the other kids are sitting', blah blah blah all in my head.
Instead I quietly sit with her. I don't tell her 'oh it's okay' because I don't feel that way and don't want to be fake to my own kid, however, I try to be quiet and just let her watch. Every once in awhile I ask her if she wants to try whatever move they are doing and she politely declines 'no fankyou'.
Sigh. I felt all my hopes for her lessons in sports and team spirit dashed away. She hates it and I have failed as a mom to get her to like it. It sounds extreme but it's how I felt.
I finally am able to get out of her that it's the ball that is the hold back for her- she claims. She wanted to bring Her ball and not use the coach's ball. (The coach's ball WAS pink though for the record) But I am unable to figure out why she won't even walk up to the group at the end.
It was freezing as well I might mention. She never complained about the cold though I would argue she was snuggled up next to me the whole time but never once did she complain about anything but just sat and watched. My Tiger Mom side felt this pain of disappointment when I sat with her at the field and on the drive home. I felt this innate need to measure up to the other kids/parents on the field and that my daughter was part of the group. I pondered if I baby my child too much that she won't jump right into a group like I feel she should.
When we arrived home and walked to the front door she said "That was fun".
My jaw dropped.
Inside the apartment she dragged out one of her toy balls and kicked it around, showing us her moves and asking when were we going to the store to get her shoes and shin 'things' (guards).
I also only then realized that this day was about her. Not about me and what I wanted her to get out of soccer. More importantly, she was able to walk away with something even though she didn't participate in the way I had hoped she would. I assumed she had gained nothing and like a blob of playdoh didn't absorb a single thing because she didn't play with the others.
I couldn't have been more wrong. I made the right move I think by not allowing Tiger Mom out when she decided to step off the field. But I should have followed through on that thought and just enjoyed watching the kids and pointing out things we could talk about later. My zen master husband did do that. He considered the day a success since she claimed she had fun. He also recounted with her the things they could work on with the soccer ball later and how next week maybe she can get on the field with the others. Of course I was thinking 'next week??!! is there going to be a next week?' I was trying to formulate how do I get her out of this or force her to participate every week?? But following my husband's lead I am trying to live in the now.
That is what I should have done from the very start- but I am learning that my personality seems to conflict with every ounce of Zen practice. I don't internally ponder things. I am not a quiet person. I do not live in the now as I am constantly planning the future. Good thing there isn't a Zen test huh? So instead I will restart my approach next week and enjoy just being outside with my daughter whether or not she is on the field.
Perhaps I should sit before we go.
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