Choices of Discipline and the Discipline of Choices
I believe that I am a tiger mother by nature. By tiger mother that means super strict thinking mom that is ultimately blind with the benefits of the child with little use of tact or niceties to educate them.
I grew up with a tiger mom and am personally quite comfortable with this ideology however, I don't necessarily believe that it was the best. So being the introspective person I want to believe that I am, I have been forever pursuing new methods to supplement my 'tigerness" on dealing with the crazy 3 year old.
Terrible 2's are interesting but crazy 3's I believe are what drive a lot of moms close to the brink of crazy-hood or back to medication they only considered right after birth. These precious beings can talk now- but it's crazy talk. You think you can understand them. However, you can't understand them. You think you know them. Yet, you don't know them at all. It's very zen if you think about it.
That being said, I find my lack of patience and lack of parenting skills digress more in times of late than they did in my stellar parenting times of my daughter before she turned 3. <cough> So I have tried to read more on how I can change the ways of that tiger mom that I find a little too harsh and find better ways to deal with my child that will be effective and within my limits.
Now when I say within my limits- I have some issues with several methods of parenting that seem to try too hard to get down to the child's level or seem a bit soft in my opinion. I read an article that said you should really 'understand your child'. .. Really? She's 3. I am doing everything in my power to understand her, trust me. But her telling me No Mommy It's the papple one!! and I pull out purple (I mean people, come on, papple and purple Must be the same) and she still gets mad is just not working for me. I don't even know if my 3 year old understands herself to be honest.
I read another article that said you need to be softer with your child. Raising your voice or setting harsh limitations or punishments can be too hard on a child.
Hmmm I hear the tiger mom growling lowly in the background...
And then I came across one about discipline. We all have choices of discipline but let me digress for a moment to talk about that many of us and our parenting skills and where we get our choices of discipline.
If we were spanked and didn't think it was effective. We don't spank our kids- usually. If we found it effective, then we probably use it from time to time. This example is one of many in how we all parent- by inheritance. Unlike corporate management (which I equate parenting to sometimes), there is not a PMP certification, Six Sigma course in how to raise children. There is not a tried and true perfected, certified way to parent a child. No one gets awards at the end of the year nor is there a manual for this when you deliver your first child. There are Heaps of books on ways that Could work. But being a corporate IT person I like methodologies that involve some sort of cert at the end. Parenting does not have that. So we have to rely on our background or rather what I call inherited parenting. It is mostly how we were parented and maybe a dollop or two of things we have seen, heard, or experienced outside of the home that we like.
That being said, it's hard sometimes to break that mold. So those of my friends who know my tiger mom ways can appreciate what I am about to tell you. I read an article about the discipline of choices. Instead of telling your child when they are having a fit at bedtime, "Brush your teeth or you are going into time out", you can give choices to a 3 year old. Such as "You can either brush your teeth or you can sit there and have a fit while I go downstairs and leave you alone". No punishment but an alternative that allows them to continue their behavior but with some not so niceness about it.
When I first read this I thought- give me a break. I don't have time for choices... She needs to understand that this is the way it is! (down tiger mom...)
But then we had the precursor of a tantrum waiting to happen. She was outside playing but she needed to come in and get ready for bed. When I told her to come in the first time she adamantly said no, and started to get whiney. I said again about coming in and gave her a reason.
She started to cry.
Naomi: "I don't WANT to go in. No Mommmy"
Mommy (eyeing to see if neighbors are watching as she ponders just grabbing her kid) "Naomi it's time, no more arguing"
Naomi: "NO MOMMY. Waaahh"
Mommy: "Naomi you can either stay out here and cry or you can come inside and put on some pretty pink pajamas"
The crying stopped.
Naomi (after careful thought and sniffling): "come inside. can I wear purple pajamas?"
And we went inside! Just like that! I was amazed. I was elated. A methodology not my own had worked. And continues so. However- it takes more will power, more thought and more ounce of my patience to do- but it works. I feel like I have uncovered some crazy science experiment or some amazing deal in groupon that I have to share - my kid prefers choices.
Well- that is not science is it- because don't we all. That's why there are 50 things on every menu. That's why you can choose over 1000 stations on TV. Why wouldn't my daughter want this? Society has already bred her to live this way. And she's only 3.
But I feel triumphant that I have broken the mold of my inherited parenting. More importantly I attempted something that I thought was a little flakey- but it really does work. It's like trying on that dress that looks "meh" on the hanger but then just Rocks when you put it on.
My zen parenting is sloppy to say the least but I am trying and sometimes I have these really great moments and this time it was all about the choice of discipline to use the discipline of choices. What a relief.
I grew up with a tiger mom and am personally quite comfortable with this ideology however, I don't necessarily believe that it was the best. So being the introspective person I want to believe that I am, I have been forever pursuing new methods to supplement my 'tigerness" on dealing with the crazy 3 year old.
Terrible 2's are interesting but crazy 3's I believe are what drive a lot of moms close to the brink of crazy-hood or back to medication they only considered right after birth. These precious beings can talk now- but it's crazy talk. You think you can understand them. However, you can't understand them. You think you know them. Yet, you don't know them at all. It's very zen if you think about it.
That being said, I find my lack of patience and lack of parenting skills digress more in times of late than they did in my stellar parenting times of my daughter before she turned 3. <cough> So I have tried to read more on how I can change the ways of that tiger mom that I find a little too harsh and find better ways to deal with my child that will be effective and within my limits.
Now when I say within my limits- I have some issues with several methods of parenting that seem to try too hard to get down to the child's level or seem a bit soft in my opinion. I read an article that said you should really 'understand your child'. .. Really? She's 3. I am doing everything in my power to understand her, trust me. But her telling me No Mommy It's the papple one!! and I pull out purple (I mean people, come on, papple and purple Must be the same) and she still gets mad is just not working for me. I don't even know if my 3 year old understands herself to be honest.
I read another article that said you need to be softer with your child. Raising your voice or setting harsh limitations or punishments can be too hard on a child.
Hmmm I hear the tiger mom growling lowly in the background...
And then I came across one about discipline. We all have choices of discipline but let me digress for a moment to talk about that many of us and our parenting skills and where we get our choices of discipline.
If we were spanked and didn't think it was effective. We don't spank our kids- usually. If we found it effective, then we probably use it from time to time. This example is one of many in how we all parent- by inheritance. Unlike corporate management (which I equate parenting to sometimes), there is not a PMP certification, Six Sigma course in how to raise children. There is not a tried and true perfected, certified way to parent a child. No one gets awards at the end of the year nor is there a manual for this when you deliver your first child. There are Heaps of books on ways that Could work. But being a corporate IT person I like methodologies that involve some sort of cert at the end. Parenting does not have that. So we have to rely on our background or rather what I call inherited parenting. It is mostly how we were parented and maybe a dollop or two of things we have seen, heard, or experienced outside of the home that we like.
That being said, it's hard sometimes to break that mold. So those of my friends who know my tiger mom ways can appreciate what I am about to tell you. I read an article about the discipline of choices. Instead of telling your child when they are having a fit at bedtime, "Brush your teeth or you are going into time out", you can give choices to a 3 year old. Such as "You can either brush your teeth or you can sit there and have a fit while I go downstairs and leave you alone". No punishment but an alternative that allows them to continue their behavior but with some not so niceness about it.
When I first read this I thought- give me a break. I don't have time for choices... She needs to understand that this is the way it is! (down tiger mom...)
But then we had the precursor of a tantrum waiting to happen. She was outside playing but she needed to come in and get ready for bed. When I told her to come in the first time she adamantly said no, and started to get whiney. I said again about coming in and gave her a reason.
She started to cry.
Naomi: "I don't WANT to go in. No Mommmy"
Mommy (eyeing to see if neighbors are watching as she ponders just grabbing her kid) "Naomi it's time, no more arguing"
Naomi: "NO MOMMY. Waaahh"
Mommy: "Naomi you can either stay out here and cry or you can come inside and put on some pretty pink pajamas"
The crying stopped.
Naomi (after careful thought and sniffling): "come inside. can I wear purple pajamas?"
And we went inside! Just like that! I was amazed. I was elated. A methodology not my own had worked. And continues so. However- it takes more will power, more thought and more ounce of my patience to do- but it works. I feel like I have uncovered some crazy science experiment or some amazing deal in groupon that I have to share - my kid prefers choices.
Well- that is not science is it- because don't we all. That's why there are 50 things on every menu. That's why you can choose over 1000 stations on TV. Why wouldn't my daughter want this? Society has already bred her to live this way. And she's only 3.
But I feel triumphant that I have broken the mold of my inherited parenting. More importantly I attempted something that I thought was a little flakey- but it really does work. It's like trying on that dress that looks "meh" on the hanger but then just Rocks when you put it on.
My zen parenting is sloppy to say the least but I am trying and sometimes I have these really great moments and this time it was all about the choice of discipline to use the discipline of choices. What a relief.
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