Turning Three
I had assumed that when my daughter turned three that I would have this profound soliloquy on her maturity and growth into a new era of development.
That did not happen. Nothing happened actually. Except she ate cake (frosting first) and just turned three. I realized though that I wasn't expecting really amazing things from her, but amazing things from me. As a parent I had this hope that at three things would start to crystallize and I would be enlightened into a whole new realm of parenting.
Um, that did not happen. I don't even think I ate any cake. I can't remember.
Which of course then lead me into a whole other thought process of why, as parents is it such a guessing game and that we question every step that we take and half the time are crossing our fingers behind our backs hoping that it just works? Why does parenting have to be so 'fly by the seat of your pants'?
I'm constantly worried and hope that I am not shaping my child into the next serial killer, tax evader, money launderer, social networking entrepreneur who wants to kill her own animals. Although there is not necessarily anything wrong with these things per se, I just really don't want to have to deal with the drama that comes along with them. Or the fact that my kid will be back living with me at 34.
We worry when a lot of it is out of our control.
And that brings me back to my original point and to tonight.
Tonight when I put my daughter to bed, it was the nighttime rituals from hell and my daughter gave Regan a run for her money. After acting out for the last time I took her toothbrush away and declared it bedtime.
I'm sure her arm was not attached to that toothbrush when I took it away but from the way she screamed you would have thought that it was and for the next painful eternity she wailed about brushing her teeth.
I calmly tried every tactic from every book. She finally lost story time, and I began to turn off the lights and get things ready for bed and she still continued to wail that she wanted to brush her teeth. Mind you the acting out started with her Not wanting to brush them.
I found her reaction interesting (well also exasperating and frustrating) but as I sat with her, she - wailing, I - thinking, I found that I began to understand a little more.
She has realized lately - the existence of a past and also the concept of a future. It sounds silly if you don't have kids, but up until this age, kids are perfect zen students, if you will. They don't understand the future and do not fathom the past, they are only in the now. (This explains the phenomenon of telling them Not to do something and they do it 5 seconds later.)
But at three she has started to realize that she can essentially 'go back' and do something. She will do something wrong and then almost immediately say sorry as she starts to understand that soon in the future she will get in trouble :-).
But often it's too late. I am usually steadfast in my decision more to just make a point that she can't wail and cry and get what she wants but I am trying to help her get past it, and more importantly not hang on to the past.
Oddly her attitude tonight was more of a lesson for me-
I have had several big things happen in my personal life recently and I often feel like my daughter who wants to wail and cry and just go back in time and 'do it over'. If just given the chance to change something, perhaps my present state wouldn't be so painful? Or I can't let go of something as I worry too far into the future.
Perhaps I should take the advice I am giving my daughter as well as take a lesson from a dharma talk this weekend I heard, and address my own karma. I am suffering and upset because I am creating it. Now I didn't tell my three year old that- 'own your own karma Naomi, work through it' but what I did do was help her focus elsewhere. And I think we all could do this- much of our energy is focused on Why things happen to us and trying to find the reason behind it.
But sometimes shit just happens. Maybe that is not how Siddhartha would have said it, but I am finding that perhaps this was his gist, shit happens, deal with it, move forward. Perhaps sometimes it takes a screaming child to see the light.
If anyone wants to borrow a screaming child - I have one ;-P Enlightenment guaranteed!
That did not happen. Nothing happened actually. Except she ate cake (frosting first) and just turned three. I realized though that I wasn't expecting really amazing things from her, but amazing things from me. As a parent I had this hope that at three things would start to crystallize and I would be enlightened into a whole new realm of parenting.
Um, that did not happen. I don't even think I ate any cake. I can't remember.
Which of course then lead me into a whole other thought process of why, as parents is it such a guessing game and that we question every step that we take and half the time are crossing our fingers behind our backs hoping that it just works? Why does parenting have to be so 'fly by the seat of your pants'?
I'm constantly worried and hope that I am not shaping my child into the next serial killer, tax evader, money launderer, social networking entrepreneur who wants to kill her own animals. Although there is not necessarily anything wrong with these things per se, I just really don't want to have to deal with the drama that comes along with them. Or the fact that my kid will be back living with me at 34.
We worry when a lot of it is out of our control.
And that brings me back to my original point and to tonight.
Tonight when I put my daughter to bed, it was the nighttime rituals from hell and my daughter gave Regan a run for her money. After acting out for the last time I took her toothbrush away and declared it bedtime.
I'm sure her arm was not attached to that toothbrush when I took it away but from the way she screamed you would have thought that it was and for the next painful eternity she wailed about brushing her teeth.
I calmly tried every tactic from every book. She finally lost story time, and I began to turn off the lights and get things ready for bed and she still continued to wail that she wanted to brush her teeth. Mind you the acting out started with her Not wanting to brush them.
I found her reaction interesting (well also exasperating and frustrating) but as I sat with her, she - wailing, I - thinking, I found that I began to understand a little more.
She has realized lately - the existence of a past and also the concept of a future. It sounds silly if you don't have kids, but up until this age, kids are perfect zen students, if you will. They don't understand the future and do not fathom the past, they are only in the now. (This explains the phenomenon of telling them Not to do something and they do it 5 seconds later.)
But at three she has started to realize that she can essentially 'go back' and do something. She will do something wrong and then almost immediately say sorry as she starts to understand that soon in the future she will get in trouble :-).
But often it's too late. I am usually steadfast in my decision more to just make a point that she can't wail and cry and get what she wants but I am trying to help her get past it, and more importantly not hang on to the past.
Oddly her attitude tonight was more of a lesson for me-
I have had several big things happen in my personal life recently and I often feel like my daughter who wants to wail and cry and just go back in time and 'do it over'. If just given the chance to change something, perhaps my present state wouldn't be so painful? Or I can't let go of something as I worry too far into the future.
Perhaps I should take the advice I am giving my daughter as well as take a lesson from a dharma talk this weekend I heard, and address my own karma. I am suffering and upset because I am creating it. Now I didn't tell my three year old that- 'own your own karma Naomi, work through it' but what I did do was help her focus elsewhere. And I think we all could do this- much of our energy is focused on Why things happen to us and trying to find the reason behind it.
But sometimes shit just happens. Maybe that is not how Siddhartha would have said it, but I am finding that perhaps this was his gist, shit happens, deal with it, move forward. Perhaps sometimes it takes a screaming child to see the light.
If anyone wants to borrow a screaming child - I have one ;-P Enlightenment guaranteed!
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